Photo: stlouisreview.com

YOUNG couples who are in the process of tying their nuptial-knot have been called to embrace genetic counseling because the genes define love differently from the eyes.

A Professor of Counseling Psychology, in the Department of Counseling Education, University of Ilorin, Professor Sunday Harrison Umoh stated this while delivering the 131st inaugural lecture entitled: “That your road not be rough”

The varsity don added that if after genetic counseling, the would-be couples find out that they are genetically incompatible marital plans or preparations should be jettisoned forthwith.

Umoh a Psychologist noted that pregnant mothers should undergo proper medical examination and should attend antenatal care regularly so that any detectable fetal anomaly may be corrected immediately.

He also added that sex education by trained teachers should be given to adolescents within the school settings so that cases of family altercation and wife battering might be eliminated. Also cases of reckless sexual experimentation. Pregnancy out of wedlock and death through abortions would be prevented.

Umoh also called on parents not to force vocations on their children, rather they should send their children to counselor and allow them to take standardized interest inventories, which may indicate which trade or profession their children may succeed in.

He also noted that the fact that many children who want university education are not able to find admission calls for expansion of universities, the building of new ones and expansion in the curricular offerings. Those who cannot get university admission should be empowered through purposeful planning to be self employed or to learn some practical skills like welding, carpentry , bricklaying.

“The believe that victims of rape are the ones who call for it should be discounted because abnormal men rape young children. There are men who lust after animals, yet others lust after the bodies of dead women, if a homosexual cannot lust after a female but after a male, the nude bode of a female will mean nothing to such a fellow. I would recommend stricter penalties for men who participate in raping women; the penalty suggested for them is to send them to penitentiary for life.

Parents need to take adequate care of their sons and daughters. The efforts of parents should be implemented by teachers, religious people, and counselors. If a parent shows bad example to the children by being a bad role model to the children, the children should be taken away by the social welfare department.

The only time that Jason Wise didn’t attack his wife was when she was pregnant and so in a desperate attempt to stop the beatings Suzanne tried her hardest to be pregnant as often as possible.

There were 13 pregnancies in all, resulting in 4 children. 30-year-old Suzanne finally found the courage to leave her husband and have him arrested after he attempted to kill her in a drunken rage while two of her children were in the house.

She escaped that night by biting him in the testicles so hard that it gave her the chance to run to a neighbour who called the police and an ambulance and Suzanne was rushed to hospital.

Jason, 40, is now serving a four-year prison sentence for that attack and today Suzanne appeared on This Morning to encourage other women in similiar situations to leave.

She said: ‘I can’t believe I stayed there so long. When he was charming he was brilliant, the best … when he was evil he was the the worst.

‘The first time he strangled me with a bed frame – about two weeks in to the relationship.

‘But I thought it was me making him be like that.

‘It got worse and worse and worse. I was lonely and ashamed and a lot of people knew but I kept myself hidden away.’

Describing the awful night that she realised he actually wanted to kill her Suzanne, who works as an assistant in a care home, said: ‘We were staying apart at the time, he broke in through the bedroom window, I felt some spit on my face, he was crouching down next to me spitting and trying to poke my eyes out.

‘He threw me down the stairs, he strangled me. He was hitting me with the side of a knife’

‘At one point I thought this was my last breath … so I reached out and just bit.’

Gardener Jason was arrested and admitted to a sustained and serious assault on Suzanne and to threatening to kill her and finally sent to prison.

Suzanne had made complaints to the police before, but always withdrew her statement soon afterwards.

She told The Sun: ‘He would always say sorry, promise it’d never happen again and even cry until it was me feeling sorry for him. I started to think, ‘Did I provoke him?’ I was sinking into a really deep depression. I shut everyone else out.

‘I couldn’t see it at the time but he was just crushing my confidence until I felt like I needed him and that I couldn’t leave. I’d tell myself that I had to stay with him for the kids’ sake, that I couldn’t cope on my own. He’d beaten all my self-respect out of me. I tried to be a proper wife. I cooked, I cleaned. I kept thinking I could change him. But he couldn’t be changed.

In 2009 Jason attacked Suzanne while she was pregnant. The beating was so savage that her liver spilt, but she didn’t lose the baby.

The police and social services became involved and Jason was given a community order preventing him from coming near Suzanne.

Two months later he broke into her house for his final attack. She added: ‘Somehow I knew that it had to happen, that there would have to be a culmination like that.

‘I wasn’t even as scared as I should have been because I was so used to his violence by then.’

Jason is forbidden from returning to the area where Suzanne lives on his release.

She fears he may track her down anyway but told hosts Eammon and Ruth that she is confident that she will not take him back and that she is strong enough now to be by herself.

She said: ‘It’s the first time in my life that I am happy.

‘I thought I could change him but you can only change yourself, you can’t change anyone else.’

Read more: DailyMail

Do you have what it takes to become a monumental success? Or will you live out a life of mediocrity? The choice is up to you. While many think they have all the answers and the keys to success, we have seen too many times before those people make the same pitfalls.

This is the time for you to hustle, scrap and fight for the life that you want for yourself. You manifest your own destiny during these crucial years.

Every move you make is a test. Don’t f*ck it up. These are the 17 Mistakes You Don’t Want To Make In Your 20s.

17. Working for money, not for building your dreams

Never do anything just because it’s convenient for you. Look to challenge yourself and build your own dream instead of building someone else’s. Even if it doesn’t exactly make sense now, create something with great value so you can cash out big. Always look to the future and never for immediate compensation. What are you going to do with those weekly wages anyways? Stop being so entitled and pretending like you deserve cash, prizes and vacations just yet. You will soon realize once you’ve made it that making money doesn’t make you happy. It’s the journey.

16. Trying to act like the man rather than learning how to become one

Instead of going overboard on the Gucci monogram and bottles in the club, as if you just signed to Rocnation, spend the time focusing on your career. Every second counts and if more time is spent pretending to be the person you want to be instead of becoming that man, then you’ll sink in quick sand without even knowing it. A real man is willing to make sacrifices. If you aren’t down to put in the work, then please don’t act like you are. You can enjoy the success when you actually attain it.

15. Making friends instead of earning trust

The in-crowd may be tempting, but you’ll probably fall victim to surrounding yourself with social climbers and bottle whores. We know you feel entitled to celebrate, but please relax. It’s never attractive when you act as though this is the last time you’ll ever see this in life. Make connections with people based on trial and error, not presuppositions and drunk ranting about what they can do for your business. If you ever want people to take you seriously, then you have to take them seriously. Just because you think you trust someone doesn’t always mean you can. Heed any red flags in the past before jumping into any kind of venture with them.

14. Not caring because you only live once — that is for fools

We all are guilty of irrational decision-making in our 20s. Fast people and fast times with money in your pocket always lead to over-extending yourself. A life of partying, heavy drugs and pretty much having that YOLO attitude will leave you flat on your ass. Get focused and lock into what you’re supposed to be doing. If you don’t know what that is, then you better figure it out ASAP.

13. Making all your wants, needs

Expensive women and cheap thrills coupled with the expensive sneakers should not be on the list of your needs. Setting the foundation for your business and team is far more important than updating your wardrobe and chasing sex. Distinguish between what you want and what you actually need. Make sure your priorities are in tact or you will lose your track.

12. Forgetting that family comes first

Those who supported you before anything deserve to be taken care of when you reach your success. If you aren’t doing this for the ones you love, then you’re not doing it right. Family comes first, no matter what happens. If you work for whom you love instead of just yourself, you will get far.

11. Blaming anyone else but yourself for anything in life

Hold yourself accountable for everything. At the end of the day, all you have in the world is yourself — so go hard. Don’t look to anyone for answers and instead of making problems, create solutions. Whether it was that job you wanted, the funding you needed or the love you think you can’t live without, there is no one that can be held accountable in this universe except for you.

10. Getting comfortable like you actually deserve down time

Unless you’re fornicating with Victoria’s Secret models in Monaco this weekend, you shouldn’t even be thinking about taking a break any time soon. You need a vacation? What have you accomplished? Mark Cuban spent 7 years building out his first business before he even took a break. Don’t get lazy now.

9. Sticking with jobs that didn’t teach you anything

A bad job is like a bitchy girlfriend that gives bad head. Truthfully, the only reason you’re there is because it is the safest and easiest thing you know. Any job or relationship that allows for you to get comfortable should be avoided at all costs. The last scenario you could ever want is becoming like the rest of those miserable, 40-somethings faced with weekends of minivans and soccer practice.

8. Following the crowd instead of forging against it

You can be aware of the trends, but never follow them. If all your time is spent trying to adjust to your surroundings, you’ll get lost in the crowd all the more easily. Success and greatness are constructed by trendsetters themselves, not those who latched on to what’s currently trending. We hope that you don’t have any aspirations to look like your favorite rapper. Temptation to be influenced by those who you aspire to be like is easy, but no one finds their calling following in the footsteps of another.

7. Failing to energize those around you

Although you may sometimes think there is a lack of talent in your networks — this is never the case. It is your sole responsibility to inspire, encourage and drive those around you to success. Failing to do so only confirms that you fall victim to that which you accuse others of. Change and greatness can be sparked everywhere, but bring it upon yourself to trigger it.

6. Think you need to stop learning and growing

You have more zeros at the end of your bank statement, stamps in your passport and women in your bed than you had ever imagined. Don’t consider this your victory lap, but rather as a taste of greatness. Do you live to enjoy the moments you dreamed of or a lifetime of unimaginable success? The common misconception that once things are in your favor, you no longer have to put in the 3:00AM work hours is a dangerous problem. The fewer nights that you’re willing to put in the work, the fewer opportunities you will have to celebrate your achievements in the future.

5. Thinking that anyone will ever pay you back

Your 20s will be accompanied with a slew of poor investments by yourself and those around you. Whether rich or poor, there will always be someone in your circle that will need a helping hand. If you ever think you’re going to see that money again, you’re sorely mistaken. If there were a plan of action and re-investment, then the truth is that you will not see $1 back. Times are tough, especially in your 20s and finding a route back to financial freedom is often seen only when winning the lotto or signing your first deal with Ca$h Money Records. Of course miracles do happen, but the probabilities that you’ve essentially given the money away are far too high.

4. Holding on to friends that waste your time and add no value to your life

You’ll be sucked down into the abyss right with them if you don’t cut the fat of the group. Family and friends could have been great to you as a child, but if they no longer hold the value and inspiration that is needed for you to thrive in life, then cut them loose. The only individuals you should be surrounding yourself with are those that challenge your ideas and motivate you to find the next solution to your problems. No, not the pessimistic assholes who shoot down your ideas with their negativity, but rather the ones who genuinely want to see you succeed no matter what you do in life.

3. Forgetting about the piggy bank and spending every dollar you have

If our check is for $9, than we’re most likely spending $30. Between credit cards, school loans and every other avenue for attaining a quick dollar, our need for immediate gratification is worse than ever. The truth is it’s about making more money, not saving it. But at the same time, if you have no means for expanding your revenue channels then you must be able to save a few dollars here and there. No one like to have to walk to work because they blew every dollar at LAVO.

2. Dating unstable women with mommy and daddy issues

We need to control the invincibility we all feel when it comes to women. Whether she’s a stripper or a sorority girl, we feel the need to be the knight in shining armor for our women. As chivalrous as this may seem, we hate to break it to you, but you will never be able to change anyone. By setting yourself up for a losing battle, you’ve only ensured your misery for the next few months. She’s clingy for a reason, don’t be her Dr. Phil.

1. Forgetting the fact that whatever goes around comes around

Whether it’s burning bridges with people you loved, stealing your friend’s girlfriend, or plotting against an ex-partner, we must always remember that karma is the biggest b*tch we’ve ever met. There is nothing more true than the fact that whatever goes around comes around, and you are not immune to the cosmic forces that be. We’re not asking you to go on your Mother Teresa pilgrimage, but don’t be surprised when reality catches back up with you and brings you to your knees. Be a good person. You’ll get further in life.

Credit: Elite Daily

Find pictures below:

Mr Fireman is a prosperity preacher, who owns a fleet of yellow cars with personalized license plates, being flanked by an entourage, and essentially becoming a celebrity.

Seyi Rhodes, a British television presenter and investigative journalist of Nigerian descent, in 2011 made the documentary Nigeria’s Millionaire Preachers, which revealed a lot about the pastor.

I READ your your column every week and it appears that only women write for advice.

It always seems to be men who create the problems in relationships.

I wonder if you have ever received a letter from a man who is suffering abuse from his wife.

I am sure many people will laugh when they read this and they might not even believe what I am writing.

My wife and I have been married for three years. We were very happy in the beginning, but over time, things have steadily become worse.

We would argue and she would become really nasty. She would call me names and disrespect my family.

She seemed to know exactly what to say to hurt me deeply. I would sometimes look at her while she was angry and I couldn’t even recognise her as the woman that I loved.

Over time, I decided that it was best to ignore her when she got into one of these moods. That didn’t work. In fact, it seemed to push her over the edge. She started hitting, biting, scratching and even spitting at me.

When she loses it like this, she looks like someone who had lost her mind.

Afterwards she is exhausted and she calms down. She then acts as if nothing happened.

The last time this happened I very nearly hit her back, but stopped myself because I am twice her size and obviously much stronger. I knew that if I hit her, I might not stop.

I am scared that one day this might happen, and goodness knows what the result will be.

In spite of this, I still love her and I just wish that things could be the same as when we met. She was such a beautiful, gentle person.

I dread going home every day because I don’t know what sort of mood she is in.

It is almost like she is two people: one who is loving and kind and the other who is a monster. I have never told anyone about this. However, people have started to notice that I am not myself and they continually ask me if everything is alright.

I am seriously thinking of divorce because I am worried that something bad might happen one day when either one of us takes this too far.

I hope you don’t think I am a weak person because I don’t stand up to her.

I just need some advice on how to help her and if that is impossible, then how to leave her. Getting desperate, Pretoria

Dudu says:

I certainly don’t think you are weak at all. In fact, I think you are very brave to have written to me and for seeking help in such a difficult situation.

This subject is very rarely discussed and you would be surprised at how many men suffer from domestic abuse.

You are certainly not alone. No one should ever lift their hand to their partner.

I honestly don’t think that your relationship will be sorted out unless your wife goes for professional help.

When she is calm, you are going to have to tell her exactly how it makes you feel when she treats you in such an appalling and unacceptable way.

Suggest that she goes to a doctor for advice and referral to a specialist.

Credit: Sowetanlive

1. Rough and Dusty Hair
Just like the fellas like to see our heads looking right, so do we women. Now I’m not particular about a specific style. Whether you’re rocking a Caesar, locs down to your booty (Ooo) or a high top fade, I don’t care but best believe that joint needs to be lookin’ right. Keeping your hair neat is very important to women. It’s hard to see a man’s fine factor if the hair on his head is lookin’ rough.

2. Ash
Brothas (and everyone in between) please keep that skin moisturized. You know how you like the softness of a woman’s skin? It’s no different for us. Of course we don’t expect you to be on our level but we also know that rubbing our skin against yours is not supposed to cause chaffing and irritation. This is a particular issue when it comes to the feet. I know quite a few men who just forgo the moisturizing process after they step out the shower. No baby, no! Ash is an equal opportunity ailment and you got to hit them heels just like we do.

3-Hygiene
You’ve probably begun to notice that a few things on this list refer to personal cleanliness. That’s not laziness on my part. I’m trying to break it down for y’all. For some reason, many men happily take a fukitol pill when it comes to hygiene. Yes you have to shower. No your feet shouldn’t smell like that. And please for the love of Gawd stop scratching yourself in public. Ugh!

4-Living in a Pig Sty
Ladies, has this ever happened to you? Baby boy takes you to his place and the second he opens the door you’re greeted by a rancid odor. Aight, maybe he hasn’t taken the garbage out, yet. You look past it. Then you get to his room and there’s a month’s worth of dirty clothes on the floor, including streaked drawers. Wompity Womp Womp! His drawers will be the only ones on the floor because yours just dried up like the Sahara.

5- Excessive Hair/ No Manscaping
I’m not opposed to a lil chest hair…not at all. But if your stuff is starting to rival Wolverine… time to take care of that. The same applies for your nether regions. Be considerate! Pubes have a tendency to hold odors. Tidy up before you have guests over.

6- No Hometraining
Some of us call this chivalry. There is nothing more disgusting than a man who lets you walk on the outside of the street and lets doors slam in your face whenever you walk into a place together. Get it together, quickly.

7- Thirstiness
You may have noticed this very same thing appeared on the men’s list as well. It certainly applies for women too. If I said no thanks, told you I liked women, or ran then I don’t want you! Sorry. Please leave me alone. And don’t call out my name. I was a beautiful woman two seconds ago now I’m a b*tch? Really, dude?

8. Pride

9. Selfishness

10. Lack of confidence/Not being proud of your woman in public.

NOTE: First published in 2012.

1.The thirst
The Thirst can be described as women who are overly eager to find a man. You can find these women at every open bar, every week in search of Mr. Right. We know you’re thirsty because the event is an after work event yet you found time to travel home to put on your freakum dress and 5 inch heels. Thirsty women are at the bar, visibly parched looking at the other women scoping out their competition with the “hawk eye”, giving the appearance of the mean chick. But she’s not mean at all, because #thethirst will turn her into chatty Cathy/ desperate Debbie and the desperation is unattractive.

2.Bad Hair
I’m not Chris Rock and I’m not here to preach about women with that “good hair”, you know… the ones with Indian in their family. Nope not this post. But can we talk about that funky smelling weave with the tracks showing because that’s not a good look. Or my natural sisters — who think dry and flaky is the new it do. We ain’t feeling you neither as Star from Star & Bucwild would say. Just do your hair, I’m not asking you to apply all types of chemicals, or pay Beyoncé money for a lace front. I just want you to look presentable for yourself not for me.

3.Unkept Private Areas
*Hums* “Sometimes I shave my legs sometimes I don’t’. That’s cool and all but I’m going to need you to shave under your arms because that hair brings funk. This brings me to your next private area — the vajayjay (I prefer the P word but this is a family friendly site). If you need a weedwacker down there, that’s a problem. (No one likes wolf punani.) I’m not asking you to get a Brazilian; those things are expensive and painful. But I need you to trim up a little. Give yourself an edge up so your privates resemble a well manicured lawn rather than a jungle safari in the middle of the Congo.

4.Angry for no damn reason
Some of y’all are taking this feminism thing too far — you’re lashing out at men every chance you get and we’re tired of it. #whohurtyou No but seriously, no one likes the angry woman, who’s always angry, never smiles and is extremely difficult to be around. It’s unattractive. Believe it or not, a lot of women have this angry friend if they’re not the angry one and that’s a turn off too. Yes, you are judged by the company you keep. We all meet up for drinks and you got the angry one with you, no one is going to have a good time. Leave her in the house commenting recklessly on blogs and if it’s you please just stay away. Thank you.

5.Clothes(Materialism)
No one expects women to be in the latest Oscar de la Renta dress like it’s fashion week every day but we want you to at least put yourself together. For starters, I’m not the most fit guy (I check athletic build if you must know) — So I don’t walk around with my shirt off too often. But every day on the train my eyes are visually assaulted because some women think that kangaroo pouch is what’s hot in the streets. IT’S NOT. Know your body type and dress accordingly. And what about the dingy types? That Bohemian look is cool and all but the white tank top that’s turning yellow, can’t say it does the trick my love. It’s not sexy. All in all women who can’t dress are not attractive. Before I see your mind, I see your outfit, let’s try to make one compliment the other.

6.Unkept feet and nails
Simply put, a mani/pedi is your friend. I don’t have to describe the “hammer time” in your shoes, nor do I have to remind you that biting your nails looks terrible. Chipped nail polish and ashy feet will not be flying either. Talk to the little Asian women and tip them well so you no longer scratch my legs in bed. Thanks.

7.Sense of Entitlement
Ladies have you ever hung out with one of your friends who feels the need to tell you, the men you’re hanging with and anyone within an earshot how she never has to pay for drinks. I always wonder, does she have any money to pay for the drinks she likes to gulp down? Or the women, who are eager to go out, even suggest it but they think the guy should pay for everything. Listen, chivalry is not dead but women who act as though they are entitled to a man’s wallet got to go. It’s unattractive and it’s downright classless. And listen I’m talking about the ladies who think it’s beneath them to stand on the lines at the club too. Are you famous, do you know the bouncer? If the answer is no, shut up and get to the back of the line, we don’t need the fuss.

8.Curses like a sailor
If I can’t bring you home to momma we can’t roll. I can’t stand a woman who every word out her mouth is n word this, n word that, mothereffer this, son of a —– that. Once again, have a cup of class and act like a lady not a garbage man.

9.Promiscuity
If your reputation for “getting it popin” enters the room before you do, that might not be a good look. You’re sleeping with every tom, dick and harry and that’s cool but don’t expect me to think it’s sexy.

10.Posture
This one is from the brothers on Twitter and I think I agree. No one wants a woman all slouched over looking sloppy. You can do it put your back into it. Peace and love ladies, I think you’re beautiful. I hope you enjoy your weekend and in no way was I trying to offend but a dose of keeping it real is always healthy.

11.Lies
12.Being Possessive or selfishness
13.Being too forward
14.Stubbornness
15.Mood

NOTE: This article was first published in 2011

Here, in the second part of our serialisation that every couple must read, she reveals the surprising reasons men and women are tempted to stray — and what they can do to salvage their marriage.

The devastating secret is finally out: your partner has been having an affair. You had no idea it was going on and your emotions are in turmoil. ‘How could you do this to me?’ you cry. ‘How could you lie to me like that? What do they have that I don’t?’

Nothing your partner says could ever provide an adequate answer, but these questions are asked over and over again.

The discovery that a spouse — male or female — has been having an affair often creates an emotional vortex in which communication is all but impossible. There can be raging jealousy as well as an overwhelming sense of impotence.

Sexual betrayal feels like a rejection of all that you are: ‘I was not good enough to keep them faithful.’
‘It’s like a bereavement for a lot of the couples I see,’ says relationship counsellor and psychosexual therapist Evelyn Cooney. ‘People go through the same stages as they do with grief for the loss of the relationship they thought they had.’

The symptoms of the sexually betrayed can resemble those of post-traumatic stress disorder. Their lives have been blown apart: every assumption they’ve ever made about their partner, the meaning of their relationship and themselves as sexual beings has been shattered.

It isn’t just the thought of your other half making love to someone else that hurts. Infidelity raises primal anxieties about being abandoned. The person we trusted to have our best interests at heart threatens our sense of self, place, purpose and security.

As Nora Ephron wrote in Heartburn: ‘You suddenly have no sense of reality, you have lost a piece of your past. The infidelity itself is small potatoes compared to the low-level brain damage that results when a whole chunk of your life turns out to have been completely different to what you thought it was.’

The deepest betrayals take place at times of greatest emotional vulnerability, such as when we are ill, unemployed or have lost our firm flesh and youthful looks. Male infidelity is common after the birth of a child.

Little wonder, then, that the first instinct of so many wronged spouses is to kick their partners out of the family home. This, after all, is what modern society has come to expect.

Though we’ve become much more understanding of frailties such as alcoholism or depression, we draw the line at infidelity. In these cases, most people agree, there are only victims and villains — so we tolerate and even expect an explosive reaction from wronged spouses.

In short, they’re encouraged to behave like victims. The cheaters, meanwhile, are vilified by friends, family and even their community.

Such reactions may be understandable, but they force both parties to take defensive positions. The danger is that the deeper resentments which may have provoked the betrayal will never be addressed.

For Kristen, who had a six-month affair with a married man when her children were five and three, the problem was boredom with routine. ‘I just wanted to be someone other than a wife and mother,’ she says.

Oliver, on the other hand, just wants to escape the constant bickering at home. After ten years of marriage, he says, he and his wife are having ‘lots of tit-for-tat childish arguments where neither of us will budge. That’s snowballed to the position where we’re not getting on at all.’

Rather than try to work out a better way of communicating, he’s been having an affair with a married woman for the past six months,

Most of us still assume, however, that the root cause of infidelity is sex. This is far from the case.
‘I think the erotic aspect is the least significant component to an affair,’ says Brett Kahr, a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and couples counsellor. ‘I also think large numbers of people have low-grade depression.

‘The safety of commitment feels like deadness. The affair gives people the illusion they have become enlivened.’

If the marriage was in terminal decline before the affair, then the couple will split up. But what if there’s something worth saving?

Sadly, the drama of a discovered affair induces such a state of panic that neither spouse knows what they want or what to do next. There’s an overwhelming sense of emotional chaos.

Both blame each other. The trouble with blame, however, is that it masks the truth of what’s really been going on between two people, often for years.

In this common scenario, both spouses pour every ounce of their energy into destroying each other rather than addressing the slow decay of their relationship, which lies at the heart of the affair.

It’s easy for a man who’s strayed to blame his spouse for failing to make him happy, for not being that perfect mate, for letting their sex life die.

And it’s easy for a mother to blame her partner for failing to understand just how tired she gets from looking after the children and going to work. It’s also easy to lay blame on the third part of the triangle — the lover — rather than to face up to all the subtle and subconscious ways one partner may have pushed the other away, making them vulnerable to an affair.

‘When I started my work, I had the naive notion you’d find 99 per cent of the fault in the man who had mistresses, while the wife just cleaned and cooked or was perhaps withholding sex after the seventh baby,’ says Brett Kahr.

‘But having done this work for a long time, I can say hand on heart that it is usually 50-50. When you start to unravel the story of the affair, we find that each one has had a contribution to make in hurting the other.

‘The aggrieved women are often biting and critical, which can then drive the man into the arms of a more understanding woman. When it’s the woman who’s had an affair, there is often passivity in the man, which seems to anger and propel the wife.

‘Couples do a complicated, unconscious dance that involves a lot of provocation and goading, with each taking up positions.

‘When you start to peel back the layers, you find that each has been needling the other, sometimes for years.’

Brett Kahr believes that the primary reason for having an affair is not because you’ve just met the most beautiful woman (or man) you’ve ever seen, but because you subconsciously want to hurt your partner.

And, in many cases, there’s certainly an element of unconscious revenge. Sometimes the pressure cooker of deceit and denial when one spouse is having an affair builds to such an intensity that the only way out is to get caught. So, he may leave telltale notes or presents lying around — clues that are actually a cry for help.

Indeed, some erring spouses feel so powerless within a marriage that they actually want to provoke a crisis.

While researching my new book on infidelity, I heard of love letters being inserted into favourite books, just waiting to be found.

Worse still were at least ten cases in which the adulterer’s mobile rang home mysteriously on speed-dial. The spouse then picked up the phone, only to hear their partner making love to someone else.

In the heat of discovery, such betrayals can seem too much for anyone to bear. But probably the best advice at this early stage is not to do anything that could be regretted later — such as kicking out the unfaithful partner.

All of the research suggests that it is only with time, and enough distance from the drama of the affair, that a couple can gain perspective on the relationship and be able to decide rationally whether they’re better off separating or staying together.

Some, like Marianne, regret they didn’t try harder from the start to save their marriage. She’d been married for 20 years when she discovered her husband was having an affair and remembers being in such shock that she could barely speak.

‘I also knew I didn’t want him to go,’ she says. ‘So I just tried to live through it day by day. Then I got really upset because he wouldn’t come on holiday with me and the children.

‘He wasn’t prepared to leave [his lover] for just one week and I thought then: what’s the point of even trying? So I told him to go. The thing is that I’m not sure where we might be as a couple if I hadn’t done that.’

Isabel and her husband, on the other hand, made no immediate decisions. Like Marianne, she’d been traumatised by news of her husband’s affair, which she likened to an earthquake.

The months immediately afterwards were fraught with anger and uncertainty, but she’s glad she resisted cutting him out of her life.

It’s only now, years after the event, that she feels able to say: ‘We were equally to blame. We’d got very stuck. I wasn’t really there for him — I was distracted by my parents dying and other horrible things happening, and I didn’t want anyone near me.

‘I think [the mistress] just came along and gave him what he wanted at the time. One of the most important things was that I understood why it happened. It’s ridiculous to have a knee-jerk reaction to it, asking “How can I ever trust him again?” because you can. Eventually.

‘Yes, it took me a long time to recover, but how long is a long time when you have a lifetime together?’

It can be hard to stop blaming and trying to punish a person who’s wounded you so deeply. But if you can get your rage under control, you may finally be able to address the root causes of the affair.

First, you need to be able to see the betrayal as something that’s happened to you as a couple, rather than a deliberate humiliation.

Each partner has to find ways to talk honestly to the other about their dissatisfactions — without making the other feel at fault for not making them entirely happy.

We can’t take back the hurt, but we can rebuild trust by sharing our emotions (even the more ugly ones), spelling out the changes we want in the relationship, and accepting the feelings of our partner as valid (even the more ugly ones).

‘It is possible to come back from the brink, but I never thought that could ever be the case when it first happened,’ says Clare, who had been married for more than 30 years when her husband had an affair with a younger woman.

‘There were lots of big conversations. It was such an explosive event that it gave me permission to talk about things I’d kept quiet about or maybe was in denial about or just couldn’t be bothered mentioning.’

It’s crucial for a couple to take responsibility for the problems in their relationship.

A wronged wife who continues to cast herself as an innocent victim will see weakness and passivity as a part of her identity, which bodes ill for future relationships.

Some couples, of course, end up back together without confronting the root causes of the affair. But resentments on both sides can fester for years.

Take the woman who says she’s forgiven her husband, but brings up the subject of his infidelity at every dinner party. Or the wronged husband who now delights in flirting outrageously in front of his wife.

Others withdraw sex or stop being kind to their partner.

‘These couples endlessly gnaw at the same bone, reiterate the same mutual recriminations and blame each other for their agony,’ says counsellor Esther Perel. ‘Why they stay in the marriage is often as puzzling as why they can’t get beyond their mutual antagonism.’

How to savage your relationship

For those who want to rebuild a contented and committed relationship, there’s nothing more powerful than a sincere apology — and sincere forgiveness.

True forgiveness is not a sign of weakness or that you condone appalling behaviour. It doesn’t mean you’ve stopped feeling hurt or aren’t fearful about the future.

What it does mean is that you’ve rediscovered the humanity of the person who hurt you so badly and surrendered the right to get even.

A marriage with a shared past of intimacy and love is nearly always worth saving. As film star Paul Newman once said: ‘Why go out for a hamburger when you can have a steak at home?’ Familiarity, the safety of relationship and the fact someone is available to us doesn’t have to dampen desire.

‘If a couple want to make a go of their relationship after an affair, one of the first things that happens — which signifies a good prognosis — is that their sex life dramatically improves,’ says psychoanalytic psychotherapist Jenny Riddell.

This is because the disclosure of an affair forces many couples to reconnect intimately — by fighting, screaming, crying and making passionate love.

Or, as Naomi discovered after her husband had a fling: ‘The sex has been better since he came back because he must have learned a thing or two — so why not benefit from it?’

But we delude ourselves badly by thinking that there can be heaven on earth for more than a few moments in our love lives.

True heaven lies in triumphing over difficulties together. It lies in sharing funny moments, conundrums, new sources of amazement, the day-to-day life of a family.

In the end, it is sharing the ordinary that keeps the passion of a long relationship alive.

ADAPTED from Our Cheating Hearts: Love And Loyalty, Lust And Lies by Kate Figes, to be published by Virago on May 9 at £13.99. © 2013 Kate Figes. To order a copy for £12.49 (including P&P), tel: 0844 472 4157.

From: DailyMail

1. Do not shave off your eyebrows only to redraw them with a pencil… it makes no sense

2. Do not put on too much make up, you end up looking like you came out of the make-up factory.

3. Do not wear a vest or sleeveless top without shaving your armpits or without a bra underneath

4. Do not leave chipped nail polish to wear off on its own, there’s a reason why they sell nail polish remover.

5. If you can’t afford good quality weaves, don’t bother.

Ladies, this is not acceptable.

6. Do not do artificial nails that makes you look like a drag queen, simple is always sexy.

7. See-through leggings or a top used as a dress when you are out in public is a hell-to-the-no!

8. Never do things for a man with a hope of getting something in return, expectations are dangerous. Do it because you simply want to.

9. Never contradict what your man says – in public.

10. Never stalk the man that left you for the other woman.

11. Do not share your best friend’s personal life with every Tom, Dick and Harry.

12. Women should never act on distress in relationships like checking your man’s phone, nagging him to death, and acting like a paranoid freak. You will simply release him to someone else by doing so.

13. Never dish out your entire family drama on a first date. The guy just wants to know about you.

14. Stop obsessing over your body. It’s good to eat healthy and work out but let’s leave it at that.

15. Never over-accessorize. stop looking like a Christmas tree.

Read more HERE

Tshepo Cameron Modisane and Thoba Calvin Sithol were reportedly married in the town of KwaDukuza in KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa before some 200 guests, in a ceremony that united Zulu and Tswana traditions. The newlyweds, both 27, will also have a second, more intimate ceremony in Johannesburg later this year, according to reports.

“The great step that we took in our relationship as a gay couple was introducing each other to our families,” Tshepo told Mamba Online in February. “We are so blessed to have supportive families who care about us. Even though we are gay they still love us.”

The men say they also hope to have children through a surrogate.

“Family is important to us and that is the number one reason why we want to have children,” Thoba said. “We also want our children to grow up in an environment where they are loved greatly by both parents who appreciate them.”

Kenya – A man in his early 40s, who doubles up as a farmer and a transporter, caused a stir at a village in Kirinyaga County when he offered his wife in exchange for a gambling debt after losing his money and prime assets.

Photo by ukchnm.org

The incident, which happened two weeks ago, however, almost ended tragically when the man turned around later and, wielding a razor-sharp machete, resisted his wife to be taken away by his creditor.

The industrious man owns an ox-cart that he uses to carry goods and luggage, but unfortunately, most of his earnings end up in gambling.

His addiction has, on several occasions, caused strife in his home when he sold household properties to get money to gamble.

Chicken

“Sometimes he gambles with items that are in the house and I only see the winners coming to cart this or that away.

There is nothing I can do to stop them, hence we keep losing our chicken, farm produce and other household goods,” his wife told Crazy Monday.

Not long ago, the man sold an ox at Sh60,000 in preparation to take his son to a secondary school.

But all he did was to take his son for shopping for various school items. He gambled half of what remained.

The next day, he gave his wife some money to take the boy to school, then sold all his dried coffee beans worth thousands to go try win the money he had lost gambling.

As fate would have it, he lost all the money within a few hours.

Determined to recoup his loses, he gambled his remaining ox, which he also lost.

Bewitched

“He must have been rather mad because he finally offered his cart in one last gamble hoping he would win back the what he had lost. It is as if he was possessed or had been bewitched,” said his wife.

When the cart went, the man offered his wife and a price was set.

Some young men among the gamblers were very excited about the strange offer and they happily gambled hoping to win a woman to spend Valentine’s Day with. Needless to say, the luckless man lost.

When he went home, he was unable to eat or sleep and kept swearing he would do ‘something bad’ the whole night.

The following day when the young man who had won the bet came to collect his ‘property’, he saw the man dash out of the house running towards him with a sharp machete in his hand, causing him to flee at lightning speed!

NOTE: The traditional wedding starts at 1:40 in the video. Enjoy

Little Sanele Masilela got hitched in front of 100 guests to mum-of-five Helen Shabangu, who already has a husband.

The couple swapped rings and kissed in the ceremony in Tshwane, South Africa, which Sanele claimed his dead ancestors ordered him to arrange.

But he and his bride did not sign a marriage certificate and do not live together.

His family, who forked out £1,500 on the wedding, insisted it was only a ritual and was not legally binding.

Sanele said: “I told my mother I wanted to get married as I really did want to.

“I’m happy that I married Helen. When I’m older I will marry a lady my own age.”

The boy’s 46-year-old mum Patience said: “Sanele’s grandfather asked him to get married before he died. He chose Helen because he loves her.

“By doing this we made the ancestors happy. If we hadn’t, something bad would have happened in the family.”

Helen said: “It is what the ancestors wanted.”

Read more: thesun.co.uk

The 11-page directive also urged schools to eliminate gender-based clothing and gender-based activities – like having boys and girls line up separately to leave the classroom.

Photo by: dragqueens-oftheworld.com

Schools will now be required to accept a student’s gender identity on face value.

“A student who says she is a girl and wishes to be regarded that way throughout the school day and throughout every, or almost every, other area of her life, should be respected and treated like a girl,” the guidelines stipulate.

According to the Dept. of Education, transgender students are those whose assigned birth sex does not match their “internalized sense of their gender.”

They said gender nonconforming students “range in the ways in which they identify as male, female, some combination of both, or neither.”

“The responsibility for determining a student’s gender identity rests with the student,” the guidelines dictate. “One’s gender identity is an innate, largely inflexible characteristic of each individual’s personality that is generally established by age four…As a result, the person best situated to determine a student’s gender identity is that student himself or herself.”

The new rules would also prevent teachers and administrators from telling parents with which gender their child identifies.

“School personnel should speak with the student first before discussing a student’s gender nonconformity or transgender status with the student’s parent or guardian,” the directive states.

The guidelines were issued at the request of the state board of education to help schools follow the 2011 anti-discrimination law protecting transgender students.

“These students, because of widespread misunderstanding and lack of knowledge about their lives, are at a higher risk for peer ostracism, victimization, and bullying, the document read.

The Massachusetts Family Institute denounced the new rules calling them a violation of privacy.

“Fundamentally, boys need to be using the boys’ room and girls need to be using the girls’ rooms, and we base that on their anatomical sex, not some sort of internalized gender identity,” said Andrew Beckwith, the institute’s general counsel.

Beckwith told Fox News the new policy has a “very broad standard that is ripe for abuse.”

“The policy allows students to have one gender identity at home and another at school,” he said. “And it refuses to let teachers and administrators tell parents what gender their child is at school.”

Another part of the directive that troubles parents deals with students who might feel comfortable having someone of the opposite sex in their locker room or bathroom.

The state takes those students to task – noting their discomfort “is not a reason to deny access to the transgender student.”

And any student who refuses to refer to a transgendered student by the name or sex they identify with could face punishment.

For example – a fifth grade girl might feel uncomfortable using the restroom if there is an eighth grade transgendered boy in the next stall.

Under the state guidelines, the girl would have no recourse, Beckwith said.

“And if the girl continued to complain she could be subjected to discipline for not affirming that student’s gender identity choice,” he told Fox News.

“It should not be tolerated and can be grounds for student discipline,” the directive states.

Gunner Scott, of the Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition, praised the directive – and said punishing students who refuse to acknowledge a student’s gender identity is appropriate because it amounts to bullying.

“The reality is that it’s about creating an inclusive environment for all students to learn,” Scott said.

But many parents disagreed and said the directive actually gives transgendered students more rights and privileges than other students.

“It doesn’t treat all students the same,” said Bill Gillmeister, of Brookfield, Mass. “It has a greater preference to gender-identifying children. That concerns me a great deal.”

Gillmeister told Fox News he has a son and daughter in high school. He also serves as a school committeeman.

He wondered about safety and fairness – especially when it comes to athletics. Under the new rules transgendered students will be allowed to play on either boys or girls teams.

“What about the girl who loses a spot on that basketball team because a boy is able to play as a girl,” Gillmeister wondered.

He worried about boys going into the girls locker rooms and vice versa.

“As a father of a daughter who might be playing sports, that concerns me greatly,” he said. “My daughter would likely not play a sport that she would otherwise play if she knew there was a potential for a boy to walk into the girl’s locker room.”

Gillmeister predicted no matter what happens – there will be lawsuits.

“It will either be the girl who didn’t get a seat on the basketball team because some boy got it or some boy who wanted to use the girls’ room but was denied access,” he said.

Beckwith and others say the education department is using a loophole in the anti-discrimination law to create a “stealth bathroom bill.”

“It’s affecting students as young as kindergarten,” he said.

The directive also calls on schools to implement gender neutral clothing rules.

“For example, some schools require students to wear gender-based garb for graduation or have gender-based dress codes for prom, special events and daily attire,” the directive states. “Schools should eliminate gendered policies and practices such as these.”

They pointed out on school that changed its dress code for the National Honor Society. The new policy does not require girls to wear dresses.

They also instructed schools to stop lining up students based on gender. Instead, they recommended lining up students using their birthdays or alphabetically.

Beckwith said it seems like Massachusetts is trying to create gender-neutral schools.

“They’re encouraging schools to eliminate all gender based distinctions,” he said.

With reporting from Associated Press

According to Toyin, she met her fiance, Adeniyi, on a movie set last year. They were paired as husband and wife and later developed interest in each other.

How he proposed to her

On December 31, 2012, the couple were coming from Moji Olaiya’s movie location. Adeniyi told Toyin to allow them take the car away, giving several excuses. He told her to take a ferry, and on the ferry he proposed.

According to Toyin, “That was the sweetest thing that could ever happen to a woman. He asked and I said yes. I told him that he should have told me so I would have hired people to shout yes on my behalf. We came back and there was a cab waiting for us.”

Unconfirmed reports says the lovers will tie the knot on Valentine’s Day.

David Delahunty, 56, could be jailed just for saying hello to a woman he does not know.

A judge imposed the ban after Delahunty admitted sexual assault. He walked up to a stranger at a bus stop, kissed her on the cheek and told her she was a “bonny lass”.

But he then terrified the woman by making lewd suggestions and falsely claiming he was a rapist who had just been freed from prison.

The victim, in her 20s, was left feeling “disgusted and frightened”, the judge was told. Delahunty, of Carlisle, Cumbria, was given a nine-month suspended jail term and 120 hours’ community work.

He was also put on the Sex Offenders Register and made subject to a Sex Offences Prevention Order.

The order bans him from speaking to any woman he does not know in a public place for the next ten years, except in an emergency. He faces up to five years in jail if he breaches the terms.

Delahunty had been drinking heavily before the incident, Carlisle Crown Court was told. Judge Paul Batty called it “a disgraceful episode”.

Delahunty’s lawyer Keith Thomas said: “He grew up in a big family where such banter was commonplace.

He realises this has to cease and he should not talk to any woman he does not know.”

From: The Sun

When a girl disobeys her parents just to please you,

When a girl spares her busy schedule and sacrifice just to see you,

When a girl says sorry even though she didn’t do anything wrong,

When a girl cries because she still loves you,

When a girl still tries to get you back when you argue,

When a girl no matter how much you hurt her still loves you,

when a girl stops her argument with her guy to save her relationship,

When a girl continuously makes you feel special and tries to make you happy no matter how you treat her as an option and mistreat her,

When a girl is upset but does not tell you as she thinks she is annoying you,

When a girl has tried all her best and wants to quit and leave you because of your rude behaviour but she is not able to do, B
…That girl is a keeper and they are very rare. Don’t let her go! Because one day someone will walk into her life and make her realize why it didn’t work out with you, then you will realize that you just lost a precious treasure.

New research announced this week has analyzed the tumultuous love lives of late teens and young 20-somethings, finding breakups, reconciliations, and sex with exes a common ingredient.

Researchers at Bowling Green State University in the US found that nearly 45 percent of the respondents said they’d broken up with their boyfriend or girlfriend and then gotten back together again. And 53% of those who’d gotten back together also reported having had sex with this ex.

Overall, more than one-quarter of the respondents reported having had sex with an ex, with men and women responding yes in similar proportions.

The study relied on data from nearly 800 respondents who were 17 to 24 years old from more than 60 different schools.

“This study shows that there is a lot of fluidity in emerging adults’ romantic relationships,” says postdoctoral fellow Sarah Halpern-Meekin. “They are fairly likely to go through periods of being undefined or in flux. We are still learning what this may mean for young people’s well-being and future romantic experiences.”

Prior studies have shown that condom use is high at the beginning of relationships but tends to drop over time, reports LiveScience. While sex with an ex may be casual, exes may be less likely to use a condom than they would with a less familiar partner, LiveScience adds.